Being Vulnerable and a Mess (early 2012)

Beautiful the mess we are….the honest cry of breaking hearts are better than a hallelujah sometimes .… we pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody….

Someone whose heart yearns for heaven introduced me to a song which included these lyrics at the beginning of the year….the first time I heard this song, and the second it made me want to weep simply as how often do we think that we need to sing “the together, structured praises” to God?  How often do we actually consider our honest cries to Him to be what He seeks from us?

Tonight I am sitting on the floor of my new bedroom, my first Saturday night here.  And whilst I know how loved I am, and I know that the friends I live with love me enough to affirm the nice and call me on the not so nice parts of who I am, and I know that I know that I am loved by friends and family, right now, tonight where I am sitting I am feeling lonely.

God, do you hear a melody when I say this?

I get told to press into you….that by pressing into you I will suddenly feel less of a mess, less miserable, less sad, less lonely, less full of questions. Does pressing into you mean I ignore this part of me?  Or does it actually mean, tell me so that I can press into you – why else would an immortal God become human if not to make sure I know, that I get that you get when I feel this way?

How often did you not feel lonely Jesus?  You left perfection, you knew what it was to be whole, to be accepted, to be complete and yet you chose to walk next to us…the “us” that didn’t get what or who you were often.  The“us” that so often still forgets and loses sight of what makes us worthy.  Of a God whose Grace was so complete that actually I can say LORD, my heart is breaking.

Today I spent time with a friend who has what so often my heart longs for and yet I know through her tears there is loneliness and frustration in that too. And then I sat with an awesome couple who KNOW each other, but don’t share you in that knowing.  And I loved them more and committed to making sure that they know this too.  Tonight over dinner I sat with two couples – one at least 10 years younger than me, and the other my friends I live and get to share life with.  And it was good. It was beautiful.  It was lonely.

This is my honest cry Lord. This is my broken mess –  a mess that has started revealing itself in a way that seeks to know you more.  That yearns to love and be loved – the way you created us to be. I want to stand next to someone who is waging war for you.  I want to be the princess standing next to, behind of , interceding for and knowing that out of that space…we get to heal the beautiful mess of each other because of you.  I want you to hear my melody Lord, not as a whine, or a complaint.  Just as an honest heart’s cry.  I want you to see the breaking, but healing heart – that I know you see fully –more fully than I or any other and I want you to teach me what it means to share that part of me with someone else.

Lord, hear my melody. Please.

(Lyrics from a song sung by Amy Grant, written by Sarah Hart)

 

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