SAME same but DIFFERENT

Things that are the same same but different are a big part of why I have been forced to slow down and stop sometimes.

This past week I have had lots of time to sit and think and reflect on what is good, what is hard, what is making this soooo very hard.

I know that I am not (mood) depressed – but two of my friends said to me there is a lot of underlying anxiety/ stress. They are wise, and honest and gentle and worth listening to often!

I reflected on what they meant by this and realised that actually there was.

There have been so many changes in the last 18 months, as well as the last 10 years. Many of these amazing changes, worth celebrating, like master’s degrees and mom’s healthy heart, and adventures in Africa and becoming self-employed. Maybe the biggest has been shifting from a 30 something single to a very recently married and very recently 40-something.

We are still in the midst of the unknowns and the pace at which I have been living has made this harder, but actually yes, there is a lot of underlying anxiety at the moment.

The gift this week has been recognising that I have not struggled with accepting more responsibility and the role of being married and a wife, but I have struggled with letting go of what it meant to only be single.

I simply added wife and married onto the existing things.

See I am the same person with the same dreams, passions and convictions but I am having to learn that my life
has changed and that means that the expression of this by default actually needs to change. It means finding clarity and focus and intent differently. It has meant looking at what is working and isn’t working energy wise.

It’s also meant that I have had the opportunity to look at what hasn’t been dealt with personally, or professionally that is fuelling the anxiety.

What are the unknowns and what are the unspoken, unfinished things that need attention?

What do I need to make peace with as possibly never reaching a finish line and what can I process and perhaps find peace in the processing either alone or another?

How can I not be grateful for this gift?

It’s about rest. It’s about peace. It’s about slowing down and it’s about healing. A journey I get to go on with God, myself and with community.

I like that a lot.

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Detours to Dreams

4 days after my “Martin Luther King” moment, a detour happens.

My doctor gently confronts me with the fact that my tiredness – ongoing and insatiable, insomnia driven, driven regardless of the amount of hours I do and don’t sleep isn’t something that I have imagined. My adrenal glands have no more give. This has led to other complications but effectively they are a little tired. Oh. I didn’t expect that and yet I knew.

It explains why despite the harder I try, the more I feel like I am not getting anywhere, why my tendency to cry easily has turned into something I am struggling to control and manage. It explains why my body is struggling more and more to get joy out of the physical – where I love being up the mountain and yet the very idea of pushing hard to get there fills me with anxiety and concern that energy wise I am not sure I can get there.

Part of me is very angry that this happens now – just when discussions and dreams are getting real.
Part of me is very relieved that I finally know why I feel like this way and that it isn’t my imagination.
Part of me also is learning that actually, maybe this is a good time to stop and reflect on what is needed for the next season.

See the dream I have is a pretty consuming dream that can’t happen while my life is full of everything else that it is full of at the moment.

I am not always very good at releasing things that I enjoy doing when they seem consistent.
I know that I have made choices and lived a full life in the last 10 years – with gratitude for much that has been achieved, and often silent acknowledgment of the background stress in the process of getting to the grateful.

I don’t think that God caused my tiredness and this detour. I do think that this detour may be a grace season from God though.

This detour is a gift. It’s forcing the slowdown, settle down and check in about what does the day need to look like. I wish that I could say this happened more naturally for me than what it does.

It’s encouraging rather than forcing me to reflect on what does the next decade need to hold.

I have never had to reflect on personally and professionally in the same way that I do now entering my 40’s. There is permission to say I choose not to do things the way I did in my 30’s. There is permission granted to live and love just as intentionally but with a different focus.

I am still struggling to envision what this could look like.
I am still thinking that the dream is going to be an add-on to what is.
If I am very honest, it can’t be.

It means a new season and I don’t know what that looks like yet.

Awakening Dreams

On dreaming…..2 weeks ago I sat on my couch with a friend reflecting that the BIG dream, the thing that has been in my heart for always that I want to see happen in Cape Town just doesn’t seem to be happening. It felt like I was always on the edges of people in the spaces I wanted to be in rather than in the actual spaces. It was frustrating and actually had gotten to the point where I didn’t know what to do with the dream anymore. She looked at me and then said: I don’t understand – you are a part of these circles of people. I said, yes, but the dream part just doesn’t seem to be taking shape at all.

My dream is to be a part of the circles of people who are actively, intentionally and in their day to day work spaces talking, telling stories and figuring out what justice and forgiveness looks like. My dream is to see children on the Cape Flats and in poor communities receive the same quality and standard of intervention as the children living closer to the mountain. I know that my voice is a white voice, just too young to have been in the struggle, just too old to be a part of the youth that experienced the change in a more integrated way through schooling, through sport, through life stuff. Yet, despite all of this, the seeking for healing, wholeness and reconciliation has always been a part of my story – whether spoken or not. It’s meant a different awareness of things & it’s something that has happened without feeling like I had to intentionally make it happen. It’s been always been an “is” thing.

24 hours later a child is bought into my practice: Their story is the story of a child growing up with gang violence being normal, rather than random and unexpected. During the session this dream is awakened, with a sense of anger that this child has to be bought to the suburbs rather than being able to access support within their home community. This is put aside in an effort to focus on my client until her community worker who brought the child to me gently asks, “Have you ever thought of starting a practice in the community this child comes from?”

Time felt like it stopped at this moment. This, THIS is the dream being asked about by someone who has never heard it – who I had never met, and yet who pushed straight into my deep heart’s desire. This felt like my Martin Luther King moment where I got to feel what it was like to say “I have a dream…”

I was gobsmacked – lecturing was challenging after this. It is hard to concentrate on teaching narrative theory when it feels like your own narrative is busy changing.