Things that are the same same but different are a big part of why I have been forced to slow down and stop sometimes.
This past week I have had lots of time to sit and think and reflect on what is good, what is hard, what is making this soooo very hard.
I know that I am not (mood) depressed – but two of my friends said to me there is a lot of underlying anxiety/ stress. They are wise, and honest and gentle and worth listening to often!
I reflected on what they meant by this and realised that actually there was.
There have been so many changes in the last 18 months, as well as the last 10 years. Many of these amazing changes, worth celebrating, like master’s degrees and mom’s healthy heart, and adventures in Africa and becoming self-employed. Maybe the biggest has been shifting from a 30 something single to a very recently married and very recently 40-something.
We are still in the midst of the unknowns and the pace at which I have been living has made this harder, but actually yes, there is a lot of underlying anxiety at the moment.
The gift this week has been recognising that I have not struggled with accepting more responsibility and the role of being married and a wife, but I have struggled with letting go of what it meant to only be single.
I simply added wife and married onto the existing things.
See I am the same person with the same dreams, passions and convictions but I am having to learn that my life
has changed and that means that the expression of this by default actually needs to change. It means finding clarity and focus and intent differently. It has meant looking at what is working and isn’t working energy wise.
It’s also meant that I have had the opportunity to look at what hasn’t been dealt with personally, or professionally that is fuelling the anxiety.
What are the unknowns and what are the unspoken, unfinished things that need attention?
What do I need to make peace with as possibly never reaching a finish line and what can I process and perhaps find peace in the processing either alone or another?
How can I not be grateful for this gift?
It’s about rest. It’s about peace. It’s about slowing down and it’s about healing. A journey I get to go on with God, myself and with community.
I like that a lot.