Every so often there is a LONG message thread that appears on a social media thread – whether it is about race or family or something else that provokes a response.
Recently I was asked to write a blog that was helpful vs things that were unhelpful in our adoption process- I hadn’t quiet gotten there when another adoptive mom tagged me in a post and vented a little on Facebook re: things that aren’t helpful for adoptive parents to be told/ said. Interestingly a few other adoptive moms reposted this and concurred with a loud YES that this has been their experience – in fact one of the mom’s comment was “we are in our 3rd adoption process now and we still get all of these” despite their adoptions being spaced over a 10 year period.
A different response to this has been from people saying people’s intentions are not all bad in their insensitive way of engaging with things that the blog post highlighted. That it was important to look at intentions. It was important to engage with people around these things and help them see beyond.
I agree with this.
I also think that it’s time we moved beyond just hearing about intentions and also looked at the impact of what happens.
Last year following a miscarriage I had some very hard interactions with people – most of whose intentions were well meaning, but the impact of what they said and did at the time left me reeling. I am not still reeling. My heart has healed from this – however I am sad that one of the consequences of this is that certain friendships got damaged because while I was sitting with the impact of what had been said, it was hard to get past the intent argument that was put in front of me when I voiced that I didn’t feel safe or seen or heard in the intended act. There wasn’t space for us to look at the how and what in this.
This is something that I feel strongly about. I always have.
I have erred on the side of not always being able to see the intent in things when they have gut punched me in the moment. I have also been on the side of trying to understand what or why people want to know or have said something.
On a bigger scale, I have sat in company with people who still in 2015 believe that the intent behind the apartheid education system wasn’t bad. It was well intended but the impact wasn’t so helpful or given a chance, because look how things have deteriorated since. I have sat in discussions with people who have had to be quiet when well-intended people uttered racist or pejorative comments and they were silenced by the ‘It wasn’t meant badly’ argument.
It has been frustrating though trying to wade through both the impact and intent when the impact gets minimised in looking at the intent.
In all of these discussions the focus has been on the intent and while I definitely believe that this does matter, I am also wanting to advocate for more responsibility to be encouraged on the impact side. I want these things to start being seen as two parts of one whole. I have sat up at night trying to work out if this is my own place of hurt speaking or if I am actually just frustrated at the way in which we manage this? My conclusion is that I have been on both sides of this for the right and the wrong reasons at times.
When we only focus on the intent, we minimise the impact for those experiencing it.
When we only focus on the impact, we minimise the opportunity for understanding.
Ultimately though, these things all come through relationships.
Grace happens in relationship.
Growth happens in relationship.
Both sides of this whole happen in relationship.
Hand in hand.