I was warned.
I was warned that as what would have been the due date of our pregnancy approaches that things might come undone.
I was warned that your first menstrual cycle after a miscarriage would be hard and it was.
But it also helped heal because it reminded me that my body was healthy and had normalised.
I was warned that this would be hard.
I just didn’t know how hard.
I didn’t know how hard it would be to have a grief erupt that had felt like it was over.
I didn’t know how hard it would be to feel undone. All. Over. Again.
BUT as I sit in this space
This hard space
This sad space
This space that could have been something else
That my space isn’t empty
Nor is it undone.
It simply is.
It simply is another part of the healing of a story that isn’t complete: That of meeting the dreams of a specific baby.
It isn’t just hard. It has softened my heart in ways that I never knew it needed softening.
In this 3 week period I expected to be on maternity leave.
In this 3 week period I expected to be nesting and putting my feet up.
Instead in this 3 week period I am living with the paradox that is life:
That there can be hope in the midst of grief and grief in the midst of hope.
That in the next 3 weeks both hope and grief can co-exist and as we approach Freedom Day,
Which would have been the due date,
That I too can find freedom in this.